Separate Each Separate Llama by Color

I was tippy-tap-typing today at ye ol’ llama farm today when I emailed to a fellow cohort, “I need to separate those separate issues.” Yes, this is a dopey sentence, but I kept rolling around the annunciation of that same word with the same spelling and different pronunciations in my head. What is that called when a word has the same spelling but different pronunciations? It’s a gosh darn heteronym.

What’s a heteronym? I reference my friends at fun-with-words.com when I tell you that, it’s…”words that have the same spelling (homographs) but different pronunciation (heterophones) and also different meanings”.

So, there ewe go. It’s been way, way, way too long since we’ve talked about words and those little symbols that go around and atop and under and aside them. Let’s do this more often.

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His Colon Is Acting Up; He Doesn’t Eat Enough Fiber.

This past week I spent time with some chatty hurly burly men who were generous in sharing too much information. One fella utilized his break time following me around on a motorized cart talking about his colon and all the pizza establishments he’s visited across the country.

See, the problem is that he doesn’t eat enough fiber, so his colon gets backed up — an issue many llamas know too much about when the pastures turn to muck. Pizza is an excellent colon clogger! He ain’t lying! But then there’s his kidney stones. His wife gets ‘em, too. He went on to explain in detail that women can pass kidney stones much more easily than a man because “a woman is used to birthing babies through the birth canal but men just have tiny urethra”. But back to colons, you know what? I don’t want to talk about colons. Colons are easy. I think you guys get colons. I talked about semicolons once before, but let me make a brief statement about them again. In fact, hold up. I’m going to shut my mouth because The Oatmeal does this topic really, really, really, really, really well.

Enjoy this link; it’s really great. 

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“Operator!”

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I thought I should call the “fire department” and not the “operator”.

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DRInnkkK MOaaaR CoffFFEEEEE!

HI, GUYS! DO YOU LIKE COFFEE! I LIKE COFFEE! CAN YOU SPOT THE GRAMMER ERRORS IN THIS SINTENCE? IF NOT, DRINK MORE COFFEE!

Actually, for over two years now, I’ve been a decaf llama. I still can’t believe it. I started having some troubles with llama anxiety and ever since, I can’t touch the caffeinated stuff. I need to work extra hard to keep my typo binoculars in working order because rumor has it that coffee drinkers are better proofreaders.

Check it!

For the full article, click here. Thanks, Huffington. You’re a real pal.

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We Invited the Strippers, JFK and Stalin. Umm…eww.

No one understands my extreme advocacy for the Oxford comma, otherwise known as the “serial comma”. It’s so important, guys. Take a look at this example my good pal, Mary Beth, sent me today. Now, do you guys get it? I mean, do you want to invite strippers, JFK, and Stalin to your house, or do you want to invite the strippers, JFK and Stalin?

It’s your choice. You figure it out.

All for now,

LL

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Partys Aren’t Parties

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What’s wrong with this picture, folks?
That’s right, there are two very wrong and very shameful acts going on here.

The first, pig roasts — a barbaric and gruesome display embodying all the atrocities of humanity on a single spick.

Secondly, “partys”. Really? The llama must go take a Xanax now.

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We serve “eggs” here. (And by “eggs”, we mean hashish.)

One of my favorite things about traveling across this great country is making note of all the improper grammar on signs along the way. I’m not judging; I’m just…judging. Quotes are running as rampant as E. Coli in spinach these days.

There are really only two times you want to use quotes. One is when you are directly quoting someone.  Like this, I thought Mama already told you, “Don’t talk to strangers in utility vans!” You’re directly quoting Mama, so you obviously quote what she’s saying.

The other is when you’re trying to be sarcastic or say something with an extra nudge nudge, wink wink. Something like, if you know Helga is really laying on the couch watching General Hospital on Monday at 2 p.m., you and your coworkers may say, “Helga is “working from home” today.” When in reality, you all know she’s full of it.

So I have to wonder why I saw the word “eggs” in quotes on a sign that read, “We serve “eggs” here!” By “eggs”, do they really mean moonshine? It just makes the whole scenario a bit sketchy.

I felt the need to write this post after recently seeing a wedding invitation that read, and I quote,  “We’re tying the knot!” I didn’t notice the bride-to-be’s gleaming white teeth or that the groom’s left nostril was bigger than his right nostril with those inexcusable quotations dangling around those words so unnecessarily. Why couldn’t they just write: We’re tying the knot! ? Who is quoting them here? NO ONE!

Apparently I’m not the only one who gets a kick out of this. Check out this blog entirely dedicated to unnecessary quotes!

So, when in doubt, leave them out!

 

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