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I thought I should call the “fire department” and not the “operator”.


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Actually, for over two years now, I’ve been a decaf llama. I still can’t believe it. I started having some troubles with llama anxiety and ever since, I can’t touch the caffeinated stuff. I need to work extra hard to keep my typo binoculars in working order because rumor has it that coffee drinkers are better proofreaders.

Check it!

For the full article, click here. Thanks, Huffington. You’re a real pal.

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Partys Aren’t Parties


What’s wrong with this picture, folks?
That’s right, there are two very wrong and very shameful acts going on here.

The first, pig roasts — a barbaric and gruesome display embodying all the atrocities of humanity on a single spick.

Secondly, “partys”. Really? The llama must go take a Xanax now.

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We serve “eggs” here. (And by “eggs”, we mean hashish.)

One of my favorite things about traveling across this great country is making note of all the improper grammar on signs along the way. I’m not judging; I’m just…judging. Quotes are running as rampant as E. Coli in spinach these days.

There are really only two times you want to use quotes. One is when you are directly quoting someone.  Like this, I thought Mama already told you, “Don’t talk to strangers in utility vans!” You’re directly quoting Mama, so you obviously quote what she’s saying.

The other is when you’re trying to be sarcastic or say something with an extra nudge nudge, wink wink. Something like, if you know Helga is really laying on the couch watching General Hospital on Monday at 2 p.m., you and your coworkers may say, “Helga is “working from home” today.” When in reality, you all know she’s full of it.

So I have to wonder why I saw the word “eggs” in quotes on a sign that read, “We serve “eggs” here!” By “eggs”, do they really mean moonshine? It just makes the whole scenario a bit sketchy.

I felt the need to write this post after recently seeing a wedding invitation that read, and I quote,  “We’re tying the knot!” I didn’t notice the bride-to-be’s gleaming white teeth or that the groom’s left nostril was bigger than his right nostril with those inexcusable quotations dangling around those words so unnecessarily. Why couldn’t they just write: We’re tying the knot! ? Who is quoting them here? NO ONE!

Apparently I’m not the only one who gets a kick out of this. Check out this blog entirely dedicated to unnecessary quotes!

So, when in doubt, leave them out!



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Thank you. It’s that simple.

What’s with you fools adding hyphens to “thank you” these days? My tuft is coming undone just thinking about this error and its commonality. I see it on a daily basis, and each time, it makes me shudder like the time I saw my grandma llama after a Christmas shave. I’ll make this one quick because there’s really nothing to it.

Thank you. There. See? No hyphen, nope, none of that “thank-you” business.

Now, if you’re adding a modifier after “you”, then you may add a hyphen.

Example time!

Leviticus sent Laverne a thank-you note along with a picture of his uncle tipsy on Boonesfarm.

I cannot thank you enough for handing me that extra roll of toilet paper under the stall door!

Thank you for wiping that child’s face clean of soot. 

Robellio’s thank-you card showed up two weeks late and splattered with cud. 

Must I explain more? If so, just ask. I don’t mind. So, please, if you want to thank an ewe, just say THANK EWE! (No hyphen needed unless you’ve got a modifying word after ward.)

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Who and Whom: It’s as Simple as Men!

I often hear many o’ folk attempting to make themselves look fancy by throwing out a whom here and there. If you really want to make a llama laugh, say something like, “Whom put this cruddy rubber cement on my brand new fanny pack?” Rubber cement and fanny packs aside, llamas will be laughing at that incorrect whom plopped in there, most certainly.

Although my good buddy Bryan A. Garner’s prophecy predicts whom growing rapidly archaic, I say something even more archaic to that notion: Nay! If llamas could wear hats, I’d tip mine to a good soul many of fortnights from now for using whom — only if used properly, that is.

I could recite some yawn-worthy rules here about correct who and whom usage, but I’d rather just chatter off a little trick an old professor taught me, Dr. Ruth Seymoure. Allow me to reiterate her wisdom to the best of my South-American camelid ability.

When you’re confused between who and whom, test out the following:

Who = he

Whom = him

(I could use she and hers, but men are so much more simple to understand.)

OK. So, take that he and him and plop it into your who or whom sentence. Huh? What? Watch, I’ll show you.

Who/Whom is sticking gum on Albert’s tail?

Now change that who/whom to he/him, and see which makes sense.

He is sticking gum on Alberts tail? Sure, that makes sense!

Him is sticking gum on Albert’s tail? No, you dope! That doesn’t sound right, now does it?

So, who it is.

Let’s try another! Here’s one you can use on your next phone call to City Hall.

To who/whom should I address my belligerent letter of disapproval?

Now, which would make more sense? You tell me.

To he should I address my belligerent letter of disapproval? That’s a bit odd-sounding, isn’t it?

To him should I address my belligerent letter of disapproval? Much better.

Him wins it, so whom it is.

Get it? The more you practice this quick little trick, the more you’ll feel like you’re learning English as a second language instead of a sixth. Got it? Good.


All for now,


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